Compliant Child

                (Google Images)               

Too eager to please

somehow knowing

the key to survival

is submission

stuffing want and need

far far away

growing wiser

means understanding this:

being silent

ignored

avoiding notice

is far easier on the soul than attention

learning to bend will

to others

selling control

for lack of upheaval

a deadening but necessary

choice

lessons learned in childhood

and youth

recreate the compliant child

into one ripe

for relationships

unmerciful

Heat

Heat

visible in waves coming off the street

baking my body to its core

a consuming sadness

competes for space stolen by hot hot hot

sadness

at searing summer days

making me prisoner of

cooler rooms

and dreams of yellow orange red

autumn days

Somehow I've Been Away

This sky, a picture of storms about to break out, is me.  Inside there have been struggles so strong, so intense, that even writing has not been possible.  It is healing taking place, sometimes an excruciating process. I have not abandoned my friends, my blogs, my writing.  There has just been a pause while I learn and remind myself again and again that I am strong, I have survived great pain, and I will be victorious over the cruelties, torture, and control so suffocating they threatened to take my breath, my life.

So bear with me, please, as I work on healing.  For now, I believe I am ready to come back to writing.

Two Tanka Poems

Mint spreads like wind blown

leaves filling my garden bed

with round leaves climbing

toward sunshine   ready for

hot   honeyed   light morning tea

Cornflower blue sky

heavy with cotton ball clouds

changing from castle

to ghostly cattle grazing

in a periwinkle sky

 

 

 

Dessert Too

 (Cupcake and photo by Stephanie Pride)

It should be something that

announces itself in the baking

enticing aromas

infusing the air we breathe

creating a longing

for the taste

texture

moment of bliss

as we hold each fork full

to our lips

on our tongues

just for a moment

enjoying it to the fullest

before we swallow

and it is gone

Dessert in the Desert

These despised hot days

here in the desert
collecting cacti
with my camera
heat dripping down
from my scalp
to the soles of my
crispy baked feet
all I can think of is ice cream
mint ice cream
cold
soothing to my
lips
tongue where heavenly flavor rules
In my imagination I ate
the entire carton
then went back to work
with heat dripping down
from my scalp
to the soles of my
crispy baked feet

Five Poems

These are written in response to a prompt by Robert Lee Brewer in his Poetic Asides column.  You can find it in Writer's Digest Magazine and online at http://www.writersdigest.com/ .    As always, thank you, Robert.

The Sun Fell (The Sun Also Rises)

That day he admitted his

crimes against you

against God

against me

against family

His words boiled in

my belly until

I needed to vomit

I did not know where

to turn what

to do

my mind spun out of

control I couldn't think

all I know is that evening

the sun fell

Emma's Wonderland (Alice in Wonderland)

Wonderland made of night dreams

day dreams

imaginings

passages from books

lines from poems

brush strokes from paintings

stippling from charcoal drawings

verses from songs

instrumentals in their entirety

poem song stories built in my soul

No matter what part of Wonderland

I am visiting you are always there

I wake with you travel by your side

give you sparkling silver kisses

or deep red kisses never ending

you play my heart like a piano

late late night or early morning together

waking ends with you by my side

no matter what land one thing remains

I will always love you

Lord of Lies (Lord of the Flies)

Something is not right

way inside the core of you

truth is what you decide

it is

at that moment

lies are only explanations

or evidence of

the problem being with everyone else

never you

not your fault

ever

because you know

what real truth is

an insight no one else has

 

A Good Soil (The Good Earth)

Shrubs gone

wall built

weed cloth laid

now

build a good soil

to feed my garden

potting mix, organic

so much better

than what they sell as topsoil

light compared to heavy

lets roots grow

instead of suffocation

peat moss

compacted treasure of the ages

holds raindrops

giving drink to flowers and fruit

veggies and herbs

long after a thunder storm

compost black gold

feeds continuously

coaxing growth

from stems leaves buds

in turn gifting us with

blooms in purples pinks yellows whites

fruits red blue green purple

vegetables enough for

now Thanksgiving bounty saving for winter

it is with love

I build a good soil

joy comes with harvest

Invisible Child (The Invisible Man)

Wake up to mother's general call

to all brothers sisters

Time to get up

Sit at the table

behind the row of cereal boxes

spread for each to choose

Eat in silence

Dress for school

Walk alone thinking alone

Take my seat in the classroom

saying nothing

following directions

Walking home thinking alone

come in the door to my

shared room without hello

Pick up a book

lie down on my bed

to read my mind's adventures

Dinner nervous time

dad is intelligent stern aloof

mom sighs too often

Back to my room

to read in peace not even

wondering how many words

I have said

or not said this day

of invisibility

Spring Squirrel

Good mornin' little guy

Streets are bustling

park is still quiet

yours to play in

run

flick your tail

wiggle your nose

up on haunches

looking

checking

just in case

but then

drop and sniff

run again

scamper part way up a tree

turn head down and

look

scurry down into the grass

stop go

run wait

dig for something planted

before winter

how can you remember where they are?

grasping with paw hands

transfer to mouth

teeth firmly gently hold a gem

once again you run

run

up the tree

far

to the branch

holding your nest

winter is gone

Uninhabited

Sign of the times

so beautiful a structure

stunning beauty

strong

nestled protected

between two

sometimes bustling buildings

Carefully modernized

without sacrifices

to an earlier time

For Sale

sign

like so many others

is it noticed at all?

Who could buy

this glorious building

and love it

as I do?

Down in the city

where night is

as busy as day

Dress the windows

in lovely drapes

with a center of sheers

Three floors to live in

One for meeting

teaching

buying and selling

Garden on the roof

giant pots and cauldrons

overflowing with

flowers

trees

breakfast lunch and dinner

basking in the sun

Envision this place

in early morning

when people hurry

down the street

briefcase and coffee in hand

Off to work!

Quickly now!

Think of winter

looking out from the

warmth upstairs

at shoppers in

coats hats gloves

shiny paper bags labeled

Banana Republic Ann Taylor Dillard's

Consider summer nights

Theatre down the street

Opera just a skip away

Music venues all around

Chatting over a late dinner

seated in the patio area

Have another glass of wine?

Who could buy

this glorious building

and love it

as I do?

Down in the city

where night is

as busy as day.

Working

Please accept my apologies as I go through the posts AGAIN, seeing what I can do to improve, update, renew and edit.  Most of these writings are my response to experiences and work at healing.  I have new posts to add, some I may want to remove. This blog is a labor of love as I work and begin writing again, something I was prevented from doing for many, many years.

Emma

No Luck at All

 (Picture found on Google Images)

At 17 we dated,

then we did not.

Why, when I had never loved like that?

We dated for a day at 24 or 25,

a day I did not want.

Sometimes I would get a rare visit

or call,

once a letter,

but I rebuffed again and again.

Then I married

a man from church

a man who was too attentive 
had sparkling eyes.

Ignoring what I knew in my heart and mind
until I needed something
help

I went to the counselor at church

in fear

I cannot remember what I told her.

She said she could not help

I needed someone with more education

more knowledge

a therapist,

now!

Puzzled, I put that suggestion away.

He would never allow that.

More years drag me along

I was frantic

fear relentless

panic all around.

I found the therapist

and went.

She talked with me

the children

and interviewed him.

Puzzling because it was

not the kind of thing he would do

in his eyes there was 
never anything wrong

with him.

Always someone else's fault

at work

at church

the kids

but most often mine.

She talked with him for an hour

a full hour

then spoke with me the next week.

He was a sick man she said,

one who would never be well.

Diagnosis sociopath.

There was no hope for him

and frighteningly,

for me.

We could divorce

but I would never be free

she said

unless he found someone else

to victimize

or died.

What kind of luck was this?

I refused the only man I'd loved

married a man I thought was ok
because I met him at church

now trapped

till death do us part.

Trying planning

to get away

but never could work it out.

He watched so thoroughly

it was creepy and

I knew leaving was not safe

The man I loved at 17 found me.

Funny,

I had been searching for him, too,

finally admitting to myself

the love had never died

ever

He was married.

Another blow to the head and heart.

Luck? There is no such thing.

Death finally came

finding that man I'd married

lived under

been so afraid of

for more than 20 years

seated on the couch,

an empty shell.

I could not stop staring at the

gray skin

unseeing eyes

fearing he would sit up

and say

it was all a joke.

I stared through the police and paramedics

questions

wanting medicine bottles

calling the morgue for me.

They were so kind

but did not understand.

Thinking I was in shock

they kept suggesting I go out of the room

until they were finished.

I went into the living room

where the kids were wondering what happens next

all of us finding it hard to believe

it was over.

Did my luck finally change?

No, I decided.

Luck is a myth.

My mistakes and decisions

inability to act on my own behalf,

a remnant of controlled childhood,

were the things responsible for the way

my life was.

No luck, nothing lucky.

It just was what it was.

Now, I was equipped by life

to make strong decisions.

Still fearful,

anxious,

yes, terribly afraid,

learning to be free of his grip.

I am going forward

slowly.

Something Under My Pillows

My bed, new, free of past pain

Cherry posts,

simple solid smooth

Black iron at head and foot

just enough of the feminine

yet simple strong

It is meant to frame art

creations in fabric and yarns

Today it is clothed in lilac sheets

lilac and cream on pillows

cream colored oh so soft blanket

Topped with a bit of art

crocheted in one huge square

colors from dark to heathers

a field of purples and lilacs

pinks and yellows hidden here and there

designed only as I worked

beginning to end.

(Sshhh! There is something

under my pillows of lilac and cream

there I save my dreams

and take them out sometimes

to look at them again

and remember how they feel.

Black and White

He is not what he seems.

Friendly,

sparkling eyes

that seem to smile and radiate

"It's great to see you."

No, that is not who he is

at all

not for a moment.

Honeymoon first morning

"You don't need your friends and family any more.

You have me now."

Six month anniversary

he awoke from a dream of

unfaithfulness

and punished me for it.

We walked in for our newborn son's

3 day checkup

A nurse's aide looked at my belly

rather than the newborn in my arms and asked

"When are you due?

Anger boiled over

furious

with me for not being 107 pounds again

by the third day after delivering our child.

He came to me one night

looking puzzled

and said

"Your daughter is attracted to me."

I misunderstood.

She was 3 years old.

I explained a daughter craving

her father's love,

needing to know her value in his eyes.

That was not what he was saying.

Not really.

Had he been able to tell the truth

had he known what truth really was

he would not have dared to say

"I am sexually attracted to your baby girl."

Over the years he became more himself,

unable to hide from the family he held captive.

He watched us, criticized us, accused us

Yet in the evening

before bed

we all gathered in the living room

for Bible reading.

Here he continued to try to keep the mask up

saying to us in his commentaries

he was the godly one,

we needed his help and guidance

to keep us from hell.

In the car one day,

just the two of us on the way to the mall

he rained down curses on me,

curses he claimed came from God.

I was too afraid to cry.

His mind held two ways of living.

The lover of God

head of the family

friend to coworkers and church goers,

the dependable one

who could be trusted

called upon in times of trouble

Intelligent compassionate

but this was not him.

We knew the man who hated

mistrusted

twisted everyone's actions,

words

to show he was not the evil one

hated people of color or culture that varied from

what he knew was RIGHT.

We feared his anger

his braiding our words together

to get his own interpretation

because

he could see things we could not

of course.

We too then became among those who lived two lives

in an attempt to spare us punishment

for wrongs he imagined.

Mommy and happy children

while he was away at work

fooling others

until 4:00 came and our panic set in.

He would be home soon.

Clean up the toys and games

wash the dishes sweep the floor

to hide any love and happiness.

Fear begat anxiety

but the tension he came home to

comforted him.

We had the correct amount of respect

he felt he deserved.

The words of the therapist echoed in my head

and confirmed the hopelessness of our situation.

How to be rid of him?

There were only two ways.

He could find another woman with children

or he could die.

This was life with a sociopath.

Greens

I marvel at the color here.

Greens from pale to strong and dark

make this place peaceful for me.

Staghorn ferns with sturdy dark leaves

hang in baskets.

Pathos with creamy light green

almost white

swimming in a lake of cool greens.

A carpet of English ivy with its

dark green leaves

still has variations

newborn leaves with a yellow-green tinge

youngsters now shiny green

oldsters who dress in the darkest green-black robes.

I see what others don't.

This green place is a symphony of color and bearer of peace.

Christmas Gift (PAD Prompt)

I'd taken a nap in late afternoon

to escape

because you'd come in to cook your Christmas dinner.

I slept a few hours

deep dreamless sleep

When I woke I could smell chicken

cooked to long.

Not wanting to, I got out of bed

turned off the oven, looked at the clock.

Seven.

You must have fallen asleep, so dinner was put away

for whenever you would wake.

There was evening,

and there was morning,

the last day.

Morning, I got up and looked in the kitchen

You'd not been in.

You must not be feeling well. I sighed.

I'd better go out and check if you need anything.

Put on shoes, go out the back door, walk through

the beautiful snow to your apartment.

Amazing snow, so heavy, peaceful, it felt good.

I saw him sitting on the couch

diet coke in hand, remote on his lap,

absent eyes staring at nothing.

Back through the fresh snow

walking in my own footprints

up the back steps

into the house.

Kids 20 and 21 looking at me.

Dad's dead.

Called 911.

Called one son staying over in the next city.

His reply,

"Well, it's over."

Yes, it's over for us

and beginning for us.

What do we do with this new life handed us

this new beginning

this life without terror?

Looking through the phone book,

I chose a funeral home.

There was evening

and there was morning,

the first day.

Treasures (PAD Prompt)

Under your bed I found

your treasure box.

I sat on the floor

opened the lid to this once cigar box

and for a while

just stared.

All jumbled remembrances like jewels

shone back at me.

Your Batman mask was

most obvious because it took so much room

and lay like a blanket

over other gems that could only peak out

at the light of day.

I remember when you were Batman,

running through the house with your over-sized flashlight,

the cape I made for you,

and of course

Batman Underoos.

I picked up the worn mask and saw the elastic strap

on one side had no silver-colored metal piece that once held

strap to mask.

The mask was more pliable than it should have been, but

you loved it so I was surprised it was not in shreds.

I put the mask down next to me, and reached in for

another treasure of childhood.

A popped green balloon, string still tied tightly.

It had a faded picture of Cookie Monster holding his

ever-present chocolate chip cookie, his food of choice

before they started making Cookie Monster eat broccoli.

This treasure box held jacks and a bouncy ball

of multi-colored stripes.

The jacks, there were only three.

There was a band aid, used, that said "Ouch!"

something he was given by the nurse in the ER

when he slashed open his knee

falling off his first two-wheeler.

There were pennies, twelve of them,

darkened and rough edged,

pennies he'd discovered while out on

pirate adventures looking for gold.

Last of all I picked up the button to

his Oshkosh overalls,

the metal buttons that were at the bib,

the buttons the overall straps attached to.

There is no mistaking those buttons,

the ones that say "Oshkosh B'gosh."

But now he is grown,

my only babe, and his room is empty

except for this treasure in a cigar box.

I put them all back inside and

slid it back under the bed,
where it belonged,

and got back to my dusting.

Doomsday (PAD Prompt)

It's coming.

I can feel it in the air.

Come quickly!

People fear, they live with terror

confusion reigns in their minds.

The L-rd gives strength to His people;

the L-rd blesses His people with peace.

Turmoil is everywhere,

everywhere, signs in

the skies

earth shaken

seas tremble

animals creep into places they should not be

many many die

Storms great and terrible storms

lightening flashes again and again

while thunder roars like a lion.

Waters dry up

they flood

are poisoned

fish float to the top

dead

from some unknown assailant.

The L-rd is the great G-d,

the great King above all gods.

In His hands are the depths of the earth,

and the mountain tops belong to Him.

Planes crash into buildings

Cars and trucks run through walls

and stall in living rooms bedrooms

A night of drinking brings a car full of teens

to speeding crashing flying into the air

landing submerged in waters below.

Freak accident, they say,

but they know.

It's not right.

Something is wrong.

But You are a shield around me,

O L-rd;

You bestow glory upon me and lift up my head...

I lie down and sleep;

I wake again, because the L-rd sustains me.

The world is in ruins

and most don't look up to see

the signs

that doomsday is coming

soon.

They take no thought to great salaries for themselves,

yet get rid of people who have served them for years.

It can't be helped,

they rationalize.

We need to make cutbacks

for the sake of the company.

But the people,

the people who worked and spent

can now only worry

about bills

losing their home

what they will eat.

Everything is backwards.

Destruction is coming,

it has been earned.

But let all who take refuge in You be glad,

let them ever sing for joy.

Spread Your protection over them,

that those who love Your Name

may rejoice in You.

The sun explodes with flares and storms

causing disruption

Things in the atmosphere are destroyed

and the sun burns through

causing searing heat

skin too hot and red

cancers spreading from skin to inner organs

causing disfigurement

suffering

death.

Mountains throw off their peaks to release

boiling lava that melts or spreads fire to all it touches.

The earth shakes and quivers more,

stronger, and does not stop.

Pictures fall from the walls

glass breaks

splinters get in your feet.

The thief does not care to find a home that is empty

any longer.

Convinced he will never be found,

taking advantage of the fear that pervades every waking moment

he comes in and does as he wishes,

but don't blink or shiver with I am afraid,

or he will shoot you, knife you, tie you up to be tortured to death.

These words are trustworthy and true.

The L-rd, the G-d of the spirits of the prophets

sent His angel to show His servants the things that must take place soon.

Behold, I am coming soon!

I am the Alpha and the Omega,

the First and the Last,

the Beginning and the End.

Yes, I am coming soon.

(Scripture used, in order:

Psalm 29:11
Psalm 95:3-4
Psalm 3:3-4
Psalm 5:11
Revelation 22:6
Revelation 22:12, 20

Cherished

How I loved, love you both

Sand box in the dining room 

because we had no yard

Such good little ones

you never threw sand

or carelessly made a mess

sweeping up after play

took only a moment

ridding the floor of sand

that hitched a ride on your feet.

Walks to the park

where play included

a prelude

each of you walking

atop the stone wall

one teetering bravely

the other needing my hand

for courage

Then we played

pushing you in the swings

Higher, mommy!

Waiting at the bottom of the slide

sometimes catching you
hands around your waist

I grinned

you giggled and laughed

then ran around to the ladder

to go up down up down up down.

Next station, the climbing place

with platforms

becoming your lookout

a fort

a place where the wind blew at your hair

golden hair red curls

"I am on top of the world!"

each of you shouted

and the wind made your cheeks pink.