Black and White

He is not what he seems.

Friendly,

sparkling eyes

that seem to smile and radiate

"It's great to see you."

No, that is not who he is

at all

not for a moment.

Honeymoon first morning

"You don't need your friends and family any more.

You have me now."

Six month anniversary

he awoke from a dream of

unfaithfulness

and punished me for it.

We walked in for our newborn son's

3 day checkup

A nurse's aide looked at my belly

rather than the newborn in my arms and asked

"When are you due?

Anger boiled over

furious

with me for not being 107 pounds again

by the third day after delivering our child.

He came to me one night

looking puzzled

and said

"Your daughter is attracted to me."

I misunderstood.

She was 3 years old.

I explained a daughter craving

her father's love,

needing to know her value in his eyes.

That was not what he was saying.

Not really.

Had he been able to tell the truth

had he known what truth really was

he would not have dared to say

"I am sexually attracted to your baby girl."

Over the years he became more himself,

unable to hide from the family he held captive.

He watched us, criticized us, accused us

Yet in the evening

before bed

we all gathered in the living room

for Bible reading.

Here he continued to try to keep the mask up

saying to us in his commentaries

he was the godly one,

we needed his help and guidance

to keep us from hell.

In the car one day,

just the two of us on the way to the mall

he rained down curses on me,

curses he claimed came from God.

I was too afraid to cry.

His mind held two ways of living.

The lover of God

head of the family

friend to coworkers and church goers,

the dependable one

who could be trusted

called upon in times of trouble

Intelligent compassionate

but this was not him.

We knew the man who hated

mistrusted

twisted everyone's actions,

words

to show he was not the evil one

hated people of color or culture that varied from

what he knew was RIGHT.

We feared his anger

his braiding our words together

to get his own interpretation

because

he could see things we could not

of course.

We too then became among those who lived two lives

in an attempt to spare us punishment

for wrongs he imagined.

Mommy and happy children

while he was away at work

fooling others

until 4:00 came and our panic set in.

He would be home soon.

Clean up the toys and games

wash the dishes sweep the floor

to hide any love and happiness.

Fear begat anxiety

but the tension he came home to

comforted him.

We had the correct amount of respect

he felt he deserved.

The words of the therapist echoed in my head

and confirmed the hopelessness of our situation.

How to be rid of him?

There were only two ways.

He could find another woman with children

or he could die.

This was life with a sociopath.